Midterm Midlife Crises Plague Campus

The second week of October marks a highly stressful time at DePaul. Midterm exams have left students drained, frustrated, and mentally exhausted. Erratic behavior has been noticed around all around campus in what can only be described as a Midterm Life Crisis.

“I bought a boat!” said Katherine Range, a sophomore in the biology program at DePaul. Range, who has absolutely no sailing experience, justified her purchase by saying “I just need something exciting in my life right now. I’ve gone through a lot in this past week. I totally deserve this.”

The search for excitement has led other students down a different path. Junior Keith Pryor said that he started a fight club shortly after bombing his political science test.

“Fight club offers students around here an opportunity to escape from reality,” he said. “After a week like this, people need to feel something again. A couple punches can really make you feel alive.”

After Skyping with his mom about how stressful college has been, freshman Vince Potter bought himself a guitar and attempted to teach himself how to play it.

“It’s something I’ve always wanted to learn how to do,” Potter said. “These midterms made me realize how short life actually is”

He then went on to say, “I bought a really nice guitar. It was expensive. I totally deserve this.”

“A lot of the male students in my class grew beards,” calculus professor Steven Parker observed.

Parker has noticed that students will crave a change in their appearance every year shortly after taking his very difficult midterm exam. Professor Parker’s favorite experience with this phenomenon was last year when “every boy grew a goatee after midterms because they thought it made them look like Dicaprio in ‘Inception.'”

At the dining hall in the Student Center a record number of milkshakes were made this week. E.T.C employee Sarah Wilson estimated that she made around ten thousand milkshakes during midterms. Wilson observed that “every time I handed them their milkshake they’d mumble to themselves ‘I totally deserve this.'”

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The Cat’s Pajamas is a satire blog