I must admit, I used to be a lousy friend. I went through a period where I disconnected from the people around me because I felt overwhelmed by the effort required to maintain relationships. It was easier to say, “I’m not feeling up to it today,” than to admit that I dreaded the thought of making and committing to plans.

Two years later, I’m disappointed with the version of me who selfishly chose herself over friends who cared to be around her. Luckily, they cared enough to rock with me through thick and thin. 

This doesn’t mean I didn’t lose some along the way — and maybe I deserved it.

While working on this story, I recently came across a group of friends who were chatting in the Richardson Library. I decided to stop to get their thoughts on the topic of friendship and the so-called “self-care era,” when so many people are prioritizing “protecting their peace” over spending time with friends.

Angelique Lara, a DePaul junior in the group, said, “You (can protect) your peace while being a good friend.”

Jesse Martinez, a DePaul sophomore, countered, “Protecting (your peace) from what? Your friends are supposed to be peaceful.”

Either way, Lara and Martinez, who are friends, agreed that a person who regularly fails to show up for others is not worth keeping as a friend. While they can understand if someone needs time for themselves, they also feel the person should not be surprised when people no longer invite them to hang out.

“At some point, it hurts to extend an invite so much and (they) not show up,” Martinez said. 

I remember when a few of my friends went on an outing without inviting me. I expressed to them how I felt left out and was upset that I didn’t receive an invitation. They told me that every time they invited me out, I would respond, “Maybe next time,” or I’d cancel at the last minute. This was the beginning of the end of our friendship.

I was juggling a lot of rough situations, and it took a toll on me. I chose to stay home so I did not have to deal with anyone. I did not have to hear their voices or pretend to listen to their conversation. I did not have to get ready or rush to make it somewhere on time. 

I did not want to deal with having friends, but I still expected them to want to be my friend.

“I think there’s a point where it’s not friendship,” said Diego Vaca, Lara’s boyfriend who was visiting from another school. “If you want to prioritize yourself that’s fine … and if you’re not willing to inconvenience yourself even the tiniest bit.”

Maybe, he added, it was just me avoiding a friendship I didn’t want to be in. 

Maybe, yes. At first, I blamed my friends for misunderstanding me. As time passed, however, I began to understand what they might have felt.

Back then, I felt I had too much going on to drop everything and hang out with them whenever they asked. Today it’s different because I realized I never needed to do that. I just needed to show up, even if it was just for a moment. 

Nobody wants to feel like they’re putting in more into a friendship than they get. But now, I realize that friendships don’t need to have daily texts or weekly hangouts to be good.

Of course I still take days for myself, but I also have learned to schedule time for my friends — and it’s been good for my mental health. I also learned to value an invitation and recognize the importance in showing up for my friends.

Now if I have to cancel, I also make the effort to reschedule. Most of the time, it’s helpful and can completely change how a friend reacts to the canceled plans. It shows that I still care to see them, even if we need to take a rain check.

Protecting one’s peace shouldn’t come at the price of damaging another’s, especially your true friends.

Related Stories:

• Real friends don’t clip your wings
• We were girls together: The importance of childhood friends that make it to adulthood
• You should know less about Taylor Swift and more about your friends