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Dear Table For One,

All my life I have been told what an amazingperson I am. I work hard and have accomplished a lot in my life already.  I’m big boned, but not break-down-the wall or “Jerry Springer” big. My entire life I have not had one relationship.  I meet new people, make them laugh and I get the occasional “oh my god you’re so funny” or “you’re amazing.”  It’s usually right before they ask me for my friend’s number.

I have had “friends with benefits” for years and never received the promotion to being in a full-blown relationship.

Have you ever noticed that the first question we ask our friends, after long or short separations, is if they are seeing someone? I feel like I simply fade into the background of these conversations and most people just stop asking.

I see a society that looks past people that are bigger. The norm equates beauty with thinnest and does not see people that are big as sexual objects.

At the end of the day I know that self-love is the most essential love and that the most important relationship that I will ever have is with me. But my experiences have made me wonder if love has a weight limit?

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Dear Does Love Have a Weight Limit,

I feel like I see “Jerry Springer big people” in “full blown relationships” all the time.  Are they healthy relationships?  I don’t know.  I think that depends on whether people are happy with their size. Either way, I don’t think anyone denies there is a stigma from society when it comes to being overweight. 

My weight has fluctuated throughout my life, so I really empathize with how you are feeling.  While no one is going to have the same experience, I will say I have seen people of all sizes struggle with the idea of “friends with benefits.”  For some it is ideal, but for others it often results in confusing emotions and the desire to want more.  Regardless of your weight, you need to be asking yourself why you are settling for this arrangement if you really want more.

If people are telling you that you’re amazing and you feel proud of your accomplishments, you may want to ask yourself how your own body-image is interfering with your ability to find the love that you want. 

When your friends are not asking whether you are seeing anyone, you may want to reflect on the tone that has been set by your relations in the past.  It is quite possible that bigger people are overlooked in these conversations, but I think it is just as likely that your friends are relying on your patterns and dating habits when asking for updates.  It may be a little awkward to ask questions if they haven’t seen you in a serious relationship.  If they know you and your trends in the dating game, they may be hesitant to ask about new prospects if they’re not sure whether this is a sore subject for you.  Either way, you are entitled to how you feel, but I wouldn’t assume that anyone is looking at you differently because of any physical attribute.

I am curious whether your feelings are coming from the stigma you feel society has attached to being overweight or is it a combination of that and how you feel about yourself? How happy or unhappy are you with your weight?

How we see ourselves often dictates our standards, expectations, and how much we are willing to put into our intimate relationships.  If you feel confident in who you are and you are clear about the respect you expect from a partner, you will naturally be filtering out those who are not looking for anything serious. 

If you have decided you are not satisfied with being sexually involved with someone without a relationship, the first step is recognizing this and making a change in your own behavior.  It’s important to think about how engaging with someone on a sexual level may affect you emotionally and may further contribute to your feelings of self-worth.  You may also be wasting valuable time employing the whole “friends with benefits” agreement and letting someone worthwhile pass by. 

Focusing on your goals, the qualities that you have to offer someone else and being clear on what you want is a great way to attract those things into your life.  Make sure you are honest with yourself and if you feel you want and deserve more…make it happen!

Ultimately, the question may not be so much whether love has a weight limit, but rather, how much do your feelings of self-worth weigh in finding love?

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To submit your question or story, please email Eva Green at [email protected]. Please feel free to add your comments or advice below.