St. Vincent DeJamz: Songs for Max Kleiner’s funeral

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(Graphic by Max Kleiner / The DePaulia)

(Graphic by Max Kleiner / The DePaulia)

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to commemorate the upcoming death of Max Kleiner. He will finally ascend to our Lord and Savior, Guy Fieri, on the night of June 8, 2015. Cause of death: Graduation. The creeping uncertainty of the rest of his life and the sheer amount of pizza and candy he has consumed will ultimately be his demise. In his last will and testament, he has requested that these six songs be played on infinite loop until the sun explodes and causes the earth to be torn apart, setting the human race adrift through the vast emptiness of space for the rest of eternity. Please enjoy, as these gnarly tunes make sweet love to your temporal lobes from now until we all turn to space dust.

1. Prince — “I Would Die 4 U”

I present to you an excerpt from the future departed’s personal journal: “Dear diary, have you heard of Prince? He’s like David Bowie, but swap the pretense and intellectual themes with just sex. Sex and guitars and metaphors. In one song, he shatters the gender binary, calls himself Jesus and then also calls himself a dove. If you’re not into that you’re not into anything, and I despise you for it.

2. Kate Bush — “Running Up That Hill”

As a creative, Max cited his main source of inspiration as none other than Queen B. The B stands for Bush because if Kate Bush weren’t around none of these solo lady acts would be. Look her up. The music video for “Running Up That Hill” is so far beyond campy it’s a serious spectacle of human creativity that not only demands celebration, but veneration. The future departed has included in his will a petition to canonize Kate Bush on the event of her death.

3. Depeche Mode — “Enjoy the Silence” 

This song is intended to represent the silence in everyone’s heart after the future departed has made his final departure to roll into flavor town with our bleached redeemer, Guy Fieri. There is nothing more to say about this song, besides the fact that the music video features a king carrying a lawn chair through the countryside.

4. The Smiths — “How Soon is Now?”

Zooey Deschanel is a goddess. If you all remember the television program titled “Hey Arnold,” you may recall one of the characters had a soap-carving shrine to the titular character. Max has tried on several occasions to sue the writers for stealing his intellectual property because Max did that thing first, but it was a hemp-soap carving of Zooey. Anyway, Zooey was in a movie and she talked about The Smiths like twice, so that’s why this song is on here.

5. New Order — “Your Silent Face”

Get it? He’s going to be dead, so his face will be so silent. The most silent, really. Max also liked this song because it sounded like a loading screen for a really old video game, and that really spoke to Max’s aesthetic on tumblr.

6. Pet Shop Boys — “West End Girls”

The departed wrote in his will that he intended to include a home video of himself “totally slaaayyyying this song” in a lip-sync against his own reflection but we seem to have misplaced the tape. We are deeply sorry for this inconvenience.