St. Vincent DeJamz: Grammys 2015 nominees

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(Graphic by Max Kleiner / The DePaulia)

(Graphic by Max Kleiner / The DePaulia)

Ah, the Grammys. It’s the night when everything I know and love about music – creativity, wonder, passion – gets rolled into one big night of self-congratulation, mediocrity and greed. It’s a trainwreck and I plan to watch every second of it.

Granted, sometimes isolating myself in my NPR and Pitchfork sphere gets me a little too warm and fuzzy about the music industry, and I need reality checks like the Grammys. They’re a good reminder that the majority of the world thinks that “Fancy” is a philosophic manifesto and that bands like Paramore are still making music straight out of 2005.

All things considered, this year’s nominees aren’t horrific, just bad. Here’s who I’ll be rooting for next Sunday.

1. Record of the Year: Taylor Swift — “Shake it Off”

Let’s face it, Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me” either ripped off Tom Petty or he actually has never heard “I Won’t Back Down,” which is pretty concerning in itself. Meghan Trainor and Iggy are both just bad, and I shouldn’t have to defend myself. T-Swift is pretty adorable, and actually has a shot at winning here. Sorry Sia.

2. Album of the Year: Beck — “Morning Phase”

So I love Beyonce, but holy cow, how crazy would it be if Beck won a major award? The next day, Rolling Stone will hail the return of rock n’ roll in a think piece which would land right next to a piece about Fall Out Boy or Five Seconds of Summer. Teens would get #WhosBeck trending on Twitter. Wow.

3. Song of the Year: Sia — “Chandelier

Song of the Year is essentially a rehash of Record of the Year with a little Hozier sprinkled in, so let’s split the difference here and hope Sia gets her shot this time.

4. Best New Artist: Haim

Anyone who has been even slightly exposed to pop culture within the last two years know of Haim. Heck, the Haim sisters are besties with Taylor Swift. They’re not new in the least bit. But Bastille almost makes me want to puke as much as Imagine Dragons, and I’ve already established why Sam Smith and Iggy shouldn’t win anything. I think Brandy Clark is a pop country singer, so Haim it is.

5. Best Rock Song: Jack White — “Lazaretto”

I’m astounded that Paramore and Fueled by Ramen still exist, but the years have not aged the band or label well. I’m pulling for White because, while “Lazaretto” is a pretty good album, I really just want him to go on a five minute rant about the music industry. Let’s face it: Jack White is like the Kanye of alternative rock.

6. Best Alternative Music Album: 

Arcade Fire ­— “Reflektor”

How many people can accept an award on stage at once? If Arcade Fire wins, we’ll find out.