Picture this: You’re strolling down the street on a beautiful day, without a care in the world, when suddenly you feel something on your head. Is it starting to rain? Is the sky falling? No. A pigeon just took a dump on you.

Pigeons have completely taken over Chicago. I walk around the city in constant fear that at any moment my day could be ruined by a pigeon’s droppings. I sprint to get out from under CTA train tracks where they love to roost and inflict their nauseating routine upon innocent passersby.

I know at least three people who have been pooped on by pigeons, and their experiences have been “crappy” to say the least. One of my friends has been pooped on four times since she moved to Chicago — one year ago! Her vivid description of white poo in her hair and on her skin was enough to make me feel incredibly ill. 

I’ve been a pigeon hater since I saw the Alfred Hitchcock film “The Birds” when I was 13. There’s something truly terrifying about their insistence on flying absurdly close to me for absolutely no reason.

“They’re definitely bold — especially when they fly so close to your head,” said Molly Lusk, a Chicago resident who enjoys hanging out at Daley Plaza, a well-known pigeon hotspot. “I’m always scared they’re gonna run right into me.”

Originally brought to America by European settlers for communication purposes, feral pigeons have become a burden to big cities and raised a plethora of different health concerns since their domestication over 4,000 years ago. Pigeon poop, for starters, is just one of the many problems they cause.

“They poop all over my windshield, and I can’t see,” Lusk said. “It’s so disgusting.”

Health experts note that pigeons’ feces have been known to carry numerous diseases, such as Cryptococcosis and Histoplasmosis, both fungi that can cause lung problems, and Psittacosis, a mild illness caused by bacteria. Sometimes, people become infected just from breathing in the dust that is created when cleaning pigeon droppings.

Pigeons also cause damage to buildings — their droppings are highly acidic and can easily corrode and erode materials over a short period of time. Their nests are also known to block gutters, causing flooding, leaks and other water damage.

Chicago city leaders have attempted to slow this pigeon takeover by limiting their nesting sites with anti-bird spikes and nets. The city even fines people up to $500 for feeding them.

While the idea of a “feral sky rat” does not appeal to me in the slightest, there are still some people out there who remain Team Pigeon.

“I think the spikes are sad,” said Sabrina Aponte, another Daley Plaza regular. “This is their city just as much as it is ours. They should be able to nest.”

There is also a renowned “Pigeon Lady” in Chicago who drives around throwing seeds out of her car window for them. According to reports, she’s been fined thousands of dollars for her pigeon-loving crimes.

When asked if there could be a better way to reduce the pigeon population, Aponte suggested a “pigeon sanctuary” before laughing at herself. 

“I don’t actually know, and I don’t really care about them enough for that,” she said.

It seems that most people are impartial to the pigeon problem —  until they get pooped on, that is. 

Because I would prefer to not have my day (and probably my whole year) ruined, my answer to the predicament is possibly the simplest one: Heed the signs all around Chicago — and DON’T FEED THE PIGEONS!

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