I have a heart that feels too much. It gets heavy sometimes because I care … a lot. 

I feel every emotion so deeply at times it pains me physically. This is why I’m always looking for outlets to numb my emotions — writing late at night, podcasting my thoughts, taking a long hot shower — all little ways to give my heart a break.

The ironic part? For someone who talks about feelings all the time, I actually don’t like being vulnerable. For the longest time, I thought feeling too much was a curse. Honestly, sometimes I still do. 

People say feeling deeply is a superpower. If that is the case, then why do I always end up hurting more than everyone else seems to? 

Often, I’ll distance myself before I fall too hard, or when I sense I might get hurt (even though my radar is sometimes off). Taking a step back feels safer than the possibility of being hurt, despite that logic being irrational. 

To add to the irony, I actually love communication and constantly preach that it is the foundation of every healthy relationship. But when it comes to protecting my own heart, I don’t always practice what I preach. If I don’t let myself get too attached, then it won’t hurt as much … right?

Sometimes I admire nonchalance — the ability to stay detached, to not feel everything so intensely. I catch myself wondering if things would hurt less if I just cared less. 

Well, maybe. But that’s not how it always works when you’re someone who feels everything so deeply.

I’ve gotten better at managing my emotions. But when I was growing up, change seemed harder for me than others. 

As a child, I cried when my seven-day summer camp ended, saddled with the heavy feeling in my chest when something is over and I can’t relive it with the same people. For other kids, leaving camp meant going home and sleeping in their own beds. For me, it felt like losing something I had just started to love. In one week, I had gotten attached — to the people, to the feeling of belonging — and then it was gone. 

That feeling has followed me into the rest of my life. Endings never feel small. I notice it when friendships drift, when something I care about comes to a close, even when I watch the finale of a show. Because I don’t want it to end. I don’t detach as easily. I feel the absence long after the moment has passed. 

I used to cry when someone yelled at me. I apologize even when I haven’t done anything wrong. I usually put in more than I get. I notice the person sitting alone at a restaurant. I reach out to maintain friendships even when the effort isn’t always returned. I wish people happy birthday even when I don’t get a wish back. 

I move on when people hurt me, but the healing takes so much longer than it should. My friends will get mad at me for being “too forgiving” or giving people too many chances. I used to forgive and forget, holding on to people even when it hurt because it was easier than letting go. 

Sometimes it’s easier to believe that I’m the problem than to admit that they just didn’t care enough about me. But the reality is that I usually cared too much to begin with.

Now, I’ve learned to forgive without forgetting. I still hope people mean better than they act, and I still look for the green flags in people instead of red ones. But I protect myself too, because fool me twice, shame on me.

I’ve learned we can’t make someone feel the same way we do and that’s okay.

Feeling deeply has always been complicated. But it’s something I have to learn to cope with,  because emotions don’t come with an “off” switch. My emotions might be too much for others, sometimes even for myself. But for better or worse, they’re what makes me who I am. 

Do I love it? I’m learning to. Sometimes my feelings consume me, but they’ve also carried me through so much. I do believe in the power of letting go and moving on, but I also believe in feeling fully, living fully and giving fully. The intensity of how I feel is something no one else can fully experience — and that’s a beautiful and an extraordinary part of being me. 

If you feel deeply too, know this: your heart can take the pain because it’s also made to make this world a better place.

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