Highly Uncoordinated Student Mistaken for Drunkard

If you can’t swipe your ID card, an ambulance is called. This is DePaul University’s policy for intoxicated students. Unfortunately for student Isaac Shaw, swiping an ID card is not as easy as it may seem.

“I have horrible hand eye coordination,” says Shaw, a freshman in the Theatre School.

In fact his coordination is so bad that 911 has been called on him three times for what hall security assumed was alcohol poisoning.

“I’ve never been drunk before in my life,” exclaims Shaw, whose dexterity is at the same level of a baby with an eye patch.

Isaac Shaw tried to dispute the hall security guards claim that he was intoxicated by saying, “I’m not drunk” and, “Give me a sobriety test, I’ll prove it!” These statements only hurt Shaw’s case because every drunk person says those things when accused of drunkenness.

Even the medical professionals assumed he was intoxicated. Only after taking a breathalyzer test was his sobriety proven.

“He blew a 0.00 which pretty much means he’s got the coordination of a kitten on ice,” recalled one of the emergency medical technicians.

Shaw has been able to live a completely normal life despite having the hand-eye coordination of an old woman playing videogames for the first time. Before he found his passion in theater, Shaw played baseball where he set the record for most errors in the history of Little League.

DePaul is considering adapting their “must be able to swipe policy” to accommodate the uncoordinated, like Isaac Shaw. In the meantime Shaw plans to carry a handheld breathalyzer with him to ward off suspicion every time he is unable to swipe, trips on level pavement, or eats an entire order of chili cheese fries at Devil Dawgs.

—

The Cat’s Pajamas is a satire blog