St. Vincent’s DeJamz: Torturously bad music

(Graphic by Max Kleiner / The DePaulia)
(Graphic by Max Kleiner / The DePaulia)

This past week, DePaul President Rev. Dennis Holtschneider C.M. released a statement saying that Gerald Koocher, the dean of the College of Science and Health, will not be sanctioned for his implication in a report tying him to torture at Guantanamo Bay. Holtschneider also said that there will be no investigations into his actions.

Neither Holtschneider nor Koocher condone the use of torture, and neither does the staff of The DePaulia, which is why you should avoid listening to these songs. Here are our choices for most torturous songs.

1. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis  — “Downtown”

If one musician/rapper could be eliminated from the Earth forever, my vote would instantly be for Macklemore. I have hated everything this sad excuse for a rapper has released since his  annoying attempt at being the No. 1 LGBT ally with “Same Love,” but “Downtown” takes my hatred a step further. It’s not possible that there has ever been a song worse than this and Eric Nally, who sings the chorus, has a voice that is the epitome of nails on a chalkboard.

2. Harry Nilsson — “Coconut”

The DePaulia’s news editor Jessica Villagomez brought this thankfully forgotten horror of a song to my attention. So many things are wrong about it. The repetitive guitar is unbearable. Nilsson’s weird baby-talk voice could not be more annoying. The lyrics of this song are so horrible and pointless, I’m now furious that this song was ever written.

3. Bruce Springsteen — “Born to Run”

In the DePaulia’s office we used to have a democratic playlist in which every staff member could add up to 10 songs. For some reason, the playlist has been foresaken and we have to constantly listen to Bruce Springsteen. While I used to consider myself a fan of The Boss, I’m going to lose it if I have to hear him mumble about American dreams anymore.

4. DJ Casper — “Cha-Cha Slide”

When I am told to do something, some remnants of my love of anarchy when I was a teenager kick in and I absolutely refuse to do what I’m told. That’s one of the major reasons why I hate “Cha-Cha Slide” so much. It’s a horrid excuse for a song, that’s played at absolutely every event I attend, which just tells people what to do. No, I won’t stomp my feet or clap my hands, DJ Casper, so stop telling me to.

5. Meghan Trainor — “All About That Bass”

Meghan Trainor’s lyrics about embracing your body so guys will like you are problematic, and “All About That Bass” is pretty annoying, but it wasn’t torturous until I babysat my 10-year-old cousin. After hearing this song sung to me for eight hours sraight it became genuinely unbearable.

6. Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars — “Uptown Funk”

This is understandably one of the most annoying songs of the past few years, but what makes it torturous is the fact that it was so popular that it became inescapable. The music video has received over 1 billion views, and it was hardly possible to leave one’s house without having to hear Mark Ronson’s horrendous single.